1. She is basically a human pile of hairbands. In our purse, on our wrist, in the shower, on the counter. They surround us at all times. The fact that Dr. Seuss never made a whimsical book about all the places you can keep hairbands is beyond me.
2. Be prepared to deal with the shitstorm that is her realizing she does not have a hairband on her and she’s not at home. Even if we only kind of wanted to put our hair up, knowing that we can’t do that unless we track down a nearby CVS and buy another 4,000 of them (they only come in 4,000 packs, BTW) is maddening and similar to when the Hulk becomes the Hulk.
4. Her hair will soon cover everything you own like a protective yet creepy coating.Hopefully you’ll see all the hair on your sweater/couch/TV and be like, “Aww. My girlfriend <3.”
5. Even if she blows her hair dry at super turbo ultra speed, it will still take 45 minutes.And if we air dry it and it’s winter, we can’t leave the house for two hours minimum, so get cozy.
6. You’ll need to befriend a plumber fast or your bathtub drain will never be the same. I don’t know how we have enough hair to make a wig for a hamster after every shower, but we do, so get used to it.
7. Get ready to be constantly told to move your arm because it’s pinning her hair down like a sixth grader wrestler. For the record, every time you notice this is the case before we have to tell you, we fall a little bit more in love with you.
8. The sound of her detangling her dry hair will chill you to your core. One time I tried to brush out a particularly intense set of tangles and my boyfriend at the time said, “That is the worst sound I’ve ever heard. How are you OK right now?” Long-haired women are tough, man. That said…
9. Every time you run your fingers through her hair she will get just a little bit terrified you’re going to hit a tangle. This not only hurts like hell, it also means we have to get up and brush it out, or it will drive us insane.
10. Buying her a necklace is basically like buying her a trap for her hair to get caught in.Long hair finds necklaces and attaches itself to them until it has to be ripped from its claws. This is a very painful process, so I’m just saying rings are better.
11. If she’s on top, she’ll spend 60 percent of your sex time trying to keep her hair out of your mouth. And let’s be honest, out of our own. Eventually, we’ll just cave and put it in a sloppy bun so we can get back to business, the business of sex.
Lane Moore Cosmopolitan