I was talking to a young woman the other night who was very upset that her boyfriend broke up with her. I asked her how long they had been dating. She said about a year. I asked her how he treated her in the relationship. She said he was hot and cold. Sometimes good. Sometimes not so good. I ask if he was ever abusive. She said he was not. I asked her if she was really happy when she was with him. She said not really. I then asked her why she was so upset then about him leaving her if she was not that happy with him when they were together. She said she had no idea why she was so upset. I told her I had a theory.
I told her that if it was not him as a person that she was so upset about losing that it was something else and that something else was “the dream”. “The dream?????” she asked.
I told her that what she was upset about was maybe not the loss of him per se, but the loss of the dream of having a life with someone she loved. We often have a vision of what we want in a good relationship with someone. We often have a vision of what our life would be with that special person when we meet them and fall in love. Whether we will marry. Whether we will have children. What type of home we will live in and where. Romantic dinners, sensitive talks, loyalty, great sex….you name it we have a vision of what “bliss” would be like.
When we find a person we are interested in we often visually “plug” that person into our vision. Problem is that this person might not be suited for the vision we have. However since they are the person we are involved with that is the person the vision works with. This person might not be a person that wants to even get married, let alone live in a house we think we would like to live in, or may not want to have children, or is not one for romantic dinners, sensitive talks or great sex for that matter. However the vision keeps using their being to play out “the dream”.
When the person is no longer with us, “the dream” that we had, that involved this person in our vision is now gone. So when the person is gone so is the dream….at least for now. When this happens what we need to remember is what we are missing. If we are truly not missing this person it is best to move on. We would not have been happy in the long run anyways.
Just remember that our mourning could very well be the loss of what we thought could have been or what we wanted it to be. Remember dreams are only that….dreams. They are not reality. Reality is when we meet a person that is interested in us. Who is willing to do the work to make the relationship the best it can be with the good and the bad. Always working for improvement and patient with the process.
When we meet a person like that, we have the best dream possible. The dream living in the real and the present with someone who wants to do the same with us.
Betty Jean Matthews B.A.A. S.S.W., is the Founder of Stuck in the Mud Animal Rescue. She is a mother, an author, an entrepreneur, social service worker, and an advocate for a wide variety of causes. She and her daughters have been featured in Woman’s World Magazine, international news media, The Toronto Star, The Globe and Mail, CTV News, CBC and Global News as well as other local newspapers, television and radio stations including various social media, for their contributions to animal welfare and community involvement. Betty Jean writes a column under the name “Blunt Betty” which is featured on Social Media Morning She lives near Ottawa Ontario with her two daughters. You can write to Betty Jean by clicking here